“Inspirational” Facebook posts: I don’t care how many quadriplegics climbed Everest this year, I’m staying a piece of shit.
Mormonism: Calling an 18-year-old “Elder” feels mathematically incorrect.
Cabbage: Anything that’s best form is Coleslaw just isn’t top-tier produce.
Woody Allen: He’s what happens when your creepy uncle’s severed thumb gets its wish and becomes a real boy.
Zucchini: Zucchini is to a Cucumber what a Moth is to Butterfly, and Moths fucking suck.
Pink Sea-Salt: WHAT IODIZED ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME?!
Fruit Bats: “Yeah, lets make rats just, like, waaaay bigger, and can we make’em fly too? I’m really shootin’ for nightmare material.” -God, while designing The Flying Fox
Jonah Hill: I view anyone else who is fat and funny as competition.
Kevin James: See above.
Cinderella: You are straight up the most forgettable Disney Princess.
Mayonnaise: I get that it comes from like, eggs or whatever, but it looks like what comes out of a zit.
Office Cubicles: Remember that PC box you used to store you extra pokemon in Red Version? Its that for people.
The Current Job Market: 3-5 Years experience IS. NOT. ENTRY. LEVEL.
The Theremin: The “go to” instrument of people who’s “go to” activity is planning how they would murder recent acquaintances.
Words With No Plural Form: I’m looking at all you Moose, fish, and grapefruit out there.
The Will and Grace Reboot: On principle I can’t condone another television revival until Firefly comes back.
iPads: What if my phone was like waaaaaaaaaaaaay more inconvenient?
Jacksonville: If the bathroom of a Buffalo Wild Wings became a city.
Harvard Grads: Whatever smart-ass, I had sex in college.
The Incline Feature On Tread Mills: Helped me discover how fast I can use a whole tube of Bengay.
Sunday: Say what will about Monday, but at least I’m doing something.
Sombreros: An item so culturally appropriated, I get angry before I even see who’s wearing it.
Ghosting: A somehow more hurtful way of saying, “I don’t like you”.
Cooking Videos In My Newsfeed: I came to facebook to silently judge everyone I know, not watch someone role-play highschool-stoner-fantasies.
Hypochondria: I only have 4 months to live, AND DON’T YOU TELL ME OTHERWISE.
The Ghost Buster Remake: Does thinking this movie blew revoke my status as a feminist?
Mike Pence: “To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee; For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.” -Joe Biden, in reference to Michael Richard Pence.
*Bonus* Mike Pence, Again: Has nobody else noticed that “Michael Richard Pence” is an offensively Caucasian name?