Things I Hate, Round 4

“Inspirational” Facebook posts: I don’t care how many quadriplegics climbed Everest this year, I’m staying a piece of shit.

Mormonism: Calling an 18-year-old “Elder” feels mathematically incorrect.

Cabbage: Anything that’s best form is Coleslaw just isn’t top-tier produce.

Woody Allen: He’s what happens when your creepy uncle’s severed thumb gets its wish and becomes a real boy.

Zucchini: Zucchini is to a Cucumber what a Moth is to Butterfly, and Moths fucking suck.

Pink Sea-Salt: WHAT IODIZED ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME?!

Fruit Bats: “Yeah, lets make rats just, like, waaaay bigger, and can we make’em fly too? I’m really shootin’ for nightmare material.” -God, while designing The Flying Fox

Jonah Hill: I view anyone else who is fat and funny as competition.

Kevin James: See above.

Cinderella: You are straight up the most forgettable Disney Princess.

Mayonnaise: I get that it comes from like, eggs or whatever, but it looks like what comes out of a zit.

Office Cubicles: Remember that PC box you used to store you extra pokemon in Red Version? Its that for people.

The Current Job Market: 3-5 Years experience IS. NOT. ENTRY. LEVEL.

The Theremin: The “go to” instrument of people who’s “go to” activity is planning how they would murder recent acquaintances.

Words With No Plural Form: I’m looking at all you Moose, fish, and grapefruit out there.

The Will and Grace Reboot: On principle I can’t condone another television revival until Firefly comes back.

iPads: What if my phone was like waaaaaaaaaaaaay more inconvenient?

Jacksonville: If the bathroom of a Buffalo Wild Wings became a city.

Harvard Grads: Whatever smart-ass, I had sex in college. 

The Incline Feature On Tread Mills: Helped me discover how fast I can use a whole tube of Bengay.

Sunday: Say what will about Monday, but at least I’m doing something.

Sombreros: An item so culturally appropriated, I get angry before I even see who’s wearing it.

Ghosting: A somehow more hurtful way of saying, “I don’t like you”.

Cooking Videos In My Newsfeed: I came to facebook to silently judge everyone I know, not watch someone role-play highschool-stoner-fantasies.

Hypochondria: I only have 4 months to live, AND DON’T YOU TELL ME OTHERWISE.

The Ghost Buster Remake: Does thinking this movie blew revoke my status as a feminist?

Mike Pence: To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee; For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.” -Joe Biden, in reference to Michael Richard Pence.

*Bonus* Mike Pence, Again: Has nobody else noticed that “Michael Richard Pence” is an offensively Caucasian name?

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. maxweinreich says:

    you’re tellin me you feel fine calling out pink sea salt, but tellicherry peppercorns get a free pass?

    Like

    1. SPENCER says:

      There’s a difference between Artisinal and Condescending 😀

      Like

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