Things I Hate, Ronda Numero Tres

Limes: Much like most of my Exes, if there isn’t Tequila present, I don’t want you around me.

Vinaigrette: I appreciate what your trying to do, but making lettuce oily isn’t going to increase my desire for salad.

Ginger Beer: No, it’s not “Just like Ginger Ale”, stop telling me that.

Bulbasaur: Charmander is an option, I repeat: CHARMANDER IS AN OPTION.

Tim Burton: Him and Helena Bonham Carter’s full bodies of work are only made different by a handful of watchable movies, and those are Harry Potter flicks.

Poorly Drawn-On Eyebrows: If your gonna have the confidence to shave off your ‘brows, be able to back it up.

Redundancy: You know, when you repeat something.

“Relationship Goals” Posts: Oh, wow, you want eat in bed AND watch a movie with your significant other. Really shooting for the stars there. Sounds more like thinly veiled desperation.

Mispronunciation: If you pronounce epitome without a “me” sound there is no place for you in my life.

Portuguese: Store-brand Spanish.

Jesus: The only cryptic bearded man who can get away with forcing values on me is my father, and most of his ideology revolves around convincing me CBS’s Elementary is worth watching.

The Mason-Dixon Line: A more modern take on “Here there be Dragons“.

Targeted Facebook Adds: But how did they know I’m in the market for stress-reducing-flashlight-gloves?

Petting Zoos: If I wanted to be ignored by an Alpaca I could visit literally any part of Chile.

Bologna: It’s only use is making me more interesting to dogs.

Fake Scientific Studies: Really? Studies show being a drunk who swears allot makes you a better person? I want the numbers on that.

Betsy DeVos: I would say putting her in charge of the education of thousands of children is like leaving your baby with a dingo, but it’s been proven spending time with animals at least builds empathy in young people.

Nail Polish: Every once in awhile I find a bottle in the bathroom at a friend’s apartment and have to spend the next month explaining why my thumbnail is magenta.

People Who Share My Interests, But Are Also in Shape: Just…Fuck you.

Everyday “Adventures”: Going to McDonalds at 4 in the morning isn’t an Adventure, its obesity slightly later than usual.

Kid Rock: Fan-fucking-tastic, I was hoping we could introduce Rap to a Appalachia.

Taxes: Am I right?

Hang Nails: Honestly, Honestly, HONESTLY, I would literally prefer crucifixion.

Butt-Warmth on a Public Toilet Seat: Nothing like the sensation of sitting on a naked stranger’s lap to really get my colon going.

Frazier: It’s like NBC’s Friends if you often find yourself thinking, “Gosh, I’m just better than most people“.

Flag Day: If even one person could tell me the appropriate way to celebrate, I would accept its validity.

Transylvania: Yes, its a real place, no it does not have any vampires.

Pugs: If you drop one into a cauldron with Bone of the Father, Flesh of the Servant, and Blood of the Enemy, Danny DeVito comes back to life and raids the ministry of magic.

Taxidermy: Hmmm, I like dead things in my home, but the smell is a bit much.

 

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