The Spencer Alton School of Romance Lesson 2: Top 5 Things to Call Your Significant Other.

It’s a well documented fact that I am a romantic man. Probably the MOST romantic man. In fact I would say that if you had three people, for example; Antonio Banderas, Fabio Lanzoni, and Hugh Grant, and someone asked you: Who’s the most romantic out of them? You’d probably say “Wow, those people certainly define a limited understanding of what the mainstream media told women to find attractive in the mid-nineties, but the question is irrelevant, because Spencer E. Alton isn’t listed.” Or something like that. I imagine.

Bonus Lesson: Always show up with wine. A jaunty eyebrow won’t hurt either.

Its true, over the course of my life I have mastered the romantic arts, learned all the subtle intricacies of adoration, and discovered how to control the weft and weave of lust. With the vast cosmos of love an open book from which I read with AT LEAST a sixth grade level, you might be wondering; “What’s sticks out the most as helpful? If you had to give one piece of advice to win over my beloved, what would it be?”

Pet names. Everybody loves an adorable nickname, one that lets them know just how special they are to you. Originality is key here, anyone can throw out bae, honey, or baby. That’s amateur. Bush league. Child’s play.

We ain’t talking Fido.

No, you’re looking to convey deep-seated emotions, things you feel at your very core, and in this pursuit, vague words of fondness will not do. You need passion, heat, and a sensual tongue(for pronouncing multi-syllabic words, of course). With Valentines Day just around the corner, I thought I’d help all you wannabe wooers out there, so I’ve assembled a few starting points for you to work from:

5. Chupacabra de mi corazon.

Look, Spanish is a Romance Language for a reason. The lilting syllables of a foreign tongue are bound to make any situation steamy, and even if its something that you just run through Google Translate, the effort is what counts. Why limit yourself to the boring monotony of English, when you could be bilingual in the boudoir?

4. Anna Kendrick

Keep’em on their toes, of course you want them to know you care about them, but you should also let them know that you don’t know them well enough to NOT confuse them with the multifaceted starlet of stage and screen, Anna Kendrick. Aloof is what you’re striving for, nobody likes a clinger.

Is this me? Is this you? I’m too laid back to tell.

3. *your lover’s exact weight* Pounds of Steaming Love-Meat.

While its great to let them know you can keep things light and breezy, every once in a while it can be refreshing to make’em aware of how intimately you know them. People find it endearing when you remember the little stuff. Sure, you could go with a favorite color, or cute inside joke, but there’s something about rattling off their exact weight, right down to the ounce, that says “I keep every detail of you under a microscope, and will be painfully aware of any and all fluctuation”. Man, I’m getting hot and heavy just thinking about it!

The sexiest object in the house.

2. Gancanagh, Chiefest of Incubi, Bearer of the Dudeen, He Who Prey Upon the Lonely.

Nobody wants to think their in love with a nitwit, so demonstrating yout worldliness counts. I find it helpful to reach into history, and pull out some of its most romantic figures, fictional and historical. Sure, you could go for Romeo and Juliet, Mr. Darcy, or Rhett Butler, but these are easy pickings. It can be especially meaningful to tailor something to your love specifically, the more flattering the better! Gancanagh, the pipe-smoking, gaelic fairy-demon of seducing lonely shepherdesses, milkmaids, and widows is someone any significant other would be positively frothing at the loins to be associated with.

1.  Sugar.

The classics are there for a reason, besides, if its good enough for Adam Levine to sing about, its good enough for you.

Just pretend he never made music, and he’s almost attractive!

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