Dogs: The only friendship that castration can improve.
Anything “Meat Lovers”: Know what your steak was missing? Ham.
George R.R. Martin: Normally the mass murder of people I love is not this well received.
Sleep-Talking: Telllllll meeeee yyyyouuuurrrr ssssseeeccccrrrrrreeeeettttsss.
Touchdown Celebrations: Excessive Celebration sounds like something the Westboro Baptist church would accuse you of. Lay off Refs.
Hedgehogs: Mice that learned how to say “fuck off” with body language. Respect the attitude.
Cronuts: Discovery upon reaching New Zealand; its a doughnut made of flaky croissant pastry and filled with sweet cream. God save us if this ever reaches American shores(Updated, learned Dunkin Donuts got these. The inevitable is upon us).
Nissan 350z: Years ago I realized if I memorized one make and model of car I could use it in conversation to sound like an automotive expert, all the while praying no “car guys” called me on it. Nissan’s been there for me ever since.
The Word “Skein”: Might just be thread, but this word ties my heart together.
Raisins: Grapes who won’t let something so small as dying stop them from being delicious.
Hyperbole: There is absolutely no better way imaginable to possibly describe anything.
Cacti: Plants that thrive off my inability to take care of plants.
Humpback Whales: Try not to look slim next to one of these blubber sacks.
Greek Mythology: Any story that begins with, “He turned into a swan and seduced her” has my attention.
Egyptian Mythology: Kinkier Greek Mythology.
Massachusetts: Because fuck you, that’s why.
Pope Francis: The dopest pope to ever be a dope pope (He’s doper than an antelope, or even, perhaps, a cantaloupe).
People Who’s Last Names are Nouns: There’s something about a last name like “Church“, “Wood“, or “5.7 Mopar Hemi V8 Engine” that really commands a room.
Reclining Chairs: Even sitting can and should be made easier.
Easter: I’m not a religious guy, but I will jump on any chance to eat chocolate until I vomit.
Drunk Relatives: As equally endearing as they are uncomfortable. Play it by ear.