Misused Winky Faces: If you aren’t trying to get in my pants, keep this emoji to yourself.
Making Donations In My Name: Not a gift. Period.
High School Commencement Speeches: Really? We can all be anything? By this point in time we know that’s a lie.
Red Wine: White wine that cares to much about appearances.
Rhinoceroses: If you go extinct and leave me alone in this world I’ll never forgive you.
People Named Travis: 2008 called, they say 1995 wants their name back.
J.K. Rowling: We only have enough room for one aging English woman struggling to stay relevant, and the Queen is currently occupying that slot.
Knee Injuries: I don’t have one, but I’ve only heard bad things.
Moths: Butterflies built for function over of fashion.
The Confederate Flag: An ironic symbol for people telling me to “get over” a loss.
Sequels: What didn’t we get in The Fast and The Furious that took 7 more movies to explain.
Maine: Massachusetts if it gave up and started hiding its physique in over-sized sweaters.
Flavored Vodka: Adding a splash of vanilla isn’t going to make this suddenly not taste like a hospital floor.
Macklemore: I hear if you mainsplain alone into a mirror at night he appears behind you and talks about how he’s “using his privilege for good”.
Tree Tattoos: Wow, your like, so in sync with mother Gaia, and like, original.
Smooth Peanut Butter: Nut up or shut up.
Crossbows: I don’t care if Darryl Dixon makes it look cool, crossbows are regular bows with training wheels.
Kellyanne Conway: If you fed a horse rejected Fox New scripts until it died of malnutrition, and then defibrillated the body, you would have a more likable Kellyanne Conway.
Olives: Grapes that hate you.
Brown Sugar Poptarts: WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE THESE, THEY’RE THE ACCOUNTANTS OF THE TOASTER PASTRY WORLD.
Joe Biden’s Wife: In the way of me being Joe Biden’s Wife.
IPAs: You know this is great, because I was hoping I could not get drunk on grass clippings.
Stools: Because bars aren’t allowed to serve alcohol and back-support.
Hummers: Acceptable only if you are in an active war zone. But you aren’t, are you?
Power Tools: Any tool is a power tool if you try hard enough, don’t waste the money on your electric bill.