Things I Hate, Round 1

Donald Trump: If I wanted Cheetos to be terrifying I’d drop acid in a CVS.

Emus: Be a horse, or be a bird, but pick one.

Mountains: I’m pretty tall, so falling is already catastrophic, without you making it worse.

People Who Call Me “Kid”: Self-Explanatory.

Excessive Sarcasm: We get it, your soooooo clever.

Squash: I don’t care if its “healthy”, its an inbred pumpkin and we all know it.

Zip-off pants: You were unsure if it was going to be a pants or shorts day? Be decisive.

GMOs: One day this is going to result in a vegetable uprising, and peas are notoriously unscrupulous.

Short Sleeve Dress Shirts: A myth perpetuated by middle-aged fathers.

Geese: Bite me once, shame on me. Bite me twice, you have too much neck and a stupid bill you waste of feathers.

Small Dogs: They know they used to be wolves, and they blame us.

Young Marlon Brando: I already feel inadequate without you making it worse.

Cowboy Boots: There only like 7 Cowboys left in the world, who are you fooling?

Satchels: This was supposed to be MY thing before aging hipsters co-opted it.

Autumn: Sure the leaves are pretty, but this season is just a prelude to seasonal depression.

Walmart: I don’t care if it’s cheap, I once watched a man poop himself in the fishing aisle.

Goldfish: Bad pets, worse lunch.

Writing Letters: Its like email, but everyone gets to see I have the hand-writing of a child.

Slip-On Dress Shoes: If you aren’t 6 and at your step-dad’s wedding, utterly unacceptable.

Mice: The Schrodinger’s cat of missing food; my saltines are both safe and inedible until I see the chewed in hole(who eats just saltines. Furry little psychopaths).

Mutton Chops (beard): How men express daddy-issues.

Mutton Chops (lamb): If I wanted eat a flip-flop, I’d eat a flip-flop.

Cicadas: If anyone gets to take a 17-year nap, it should be me.

Chivalry: Contrary to popular belief it’s 70% rules for mounted combat. Tell me it’s dead and I. Will. Joust. You.

Double Sided Tape: Twice the stickiness, half the usefulness.

Camping: Oh, I get to not sleep in a bed, and have to worry about bears. Joy.

Mushrooms: It’s a vegetable that eats poop. POOP

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