Donald Trump: If I wanted Cheetos to be terrifying I’d drop acid in a CVS.
Emus: Be a horse, or be a bird, but pick one.
Mountains: I’m pretty tall, so falling is already catastrophic, without you making it worse.
People Who Call Me “Kid”: Self-Explanatory.
Excessive Sarcasm: We get it, your soooooo clever.
Squash: I don’t care if its “healthy”, its an inbred pumpkin and we all know it.
Zip-off pants: You were unsure if it was going to be a pants or shorts day? Be decisive.
GMOs: One day this is going to result in a vegetable uprising, and peas are notoriously unscrupulous.
Short Sleeve Dress Shirts: A myth perpetuated by middle-aged fathers.
Geese: Bite me once, shame on me. Bite me twice, you have too much neck and a stupid bill you waste of feathers.
Small Dogs: They know they used to be wolves, and they blame us.
Young Marlon Brando: I already feel inadequate without you making it worse.
Cowboy Boots: There only like 7 Cowboys left in the world, who are you fooling?
Satchels: This was supposed to be MY thing before aging hipsters co-opted it.
Autumn: Sure the leaves are pretty, but this season is just a prelude to seasonal depression.
Walmart: I don’t care if it’s cheap, I once watched a man poop himself in the fishing aisle.
Goldfish: Bad pets, worse lunch.
Writing Letters: Its like email, but everyone gets to see I have the hand-writing of a child.
Slip-On Dress Shoes: If you aren’t 6 and at your step-dad’s wedding, utterly unacceptable.
Mice: The Schrodinger’s cat of missing food; my saltines are both safe and inedible until I see the chewed in hole(who eats just saltines. Furry little psychopaths).
Mutton Chops (beard): How men express daddy-issues.
Mutton Chops (lamb): If I wanted eat a flip-flop, I’d eat a flip-flop.
Cicadas: If anyone gets to take a 17-year nap, it should be me.
Chivalry: Contrary to popular belief it’s 70% rules for mounted combat. Tell me it’s dead and I. Will. Joust. You.
Double Sided Tape: Twice the stickiness, half the usefulness.
Camping: Oh, I get to not sleep in a bed, and have to worry about bears. Joy.
Mushrooms: It’s a vegetable that eats poop. POOP